{ and we'll play summer on repeat;

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

hello, old friend. 5:56 AM

and just the thought of you, I fear,
yeah; it falls away.
----

graaaaahhhh American Idol, shut up and go away and let me blog in peace.
How many seasons are they planning to run, anyway? The whole show becomes more and more like a live karaoke session every time a new season rolls around.

I digress.
Peace, Cara, peace.

today was a typical day (read: lots of laughing and inane jokes) but I'm gonna blog about it anyway, like I always do. Maybe one day when I'm old and grey, I'll look back on this while scrolling down with my rheumatic old hands and be grateful I have these memories to look back on.

Aerius house session!
Helloooohhhh, Aeriulites. ( I don't actually like that term-- it makes us sound like a variant of 'electrolytes' or something.) RJ and I couldn't get the hang of the clapping-stamping cheer with the cool Matrix pose at the end; so we just stumbled through the steps until we struck the final pose and yelled, "Wataaaaa!"
And stupid, stupid RJ kept poking me during the cheers, at the most opportune moments; making me squeal at the worst times ever, omg.

Aerius (cheering): I know you want it. Yes, I want it! I know you do. Yes, I do!
Cara: *gets poked* ...WOO!
Everyone: *turns* *stares*

PRAVIN IS SUCH A COOL MASCOT/MODEL OMG.
Sexy Pravin! It's not like he's got much in the way of Kate Moss or anything; but he was an awesome sport and dayummm Aerius guys are schmexy, yeah.
We're all gonna miss our old Aerius house cap.
"Noob shiteeeee!"
Come baaaaccckkkk. :(

after school, Divij and I rehearsed our angry Charlie Gordon & Alice Kinnian scene for LA.
It was awesome. All the yelling and chair-hurling and door-slamming and everything.
One of the guys walking by actually stopped and did a doubletake. The poor dude probably thought we were in the midst of a horrid breakup tiff or summat.

oh, and, and, and! (!!)
Our College Day stall's slogan is so awesommmmeeee.
Courtesy of me, of course; but the other two of the Spastic Three contributed lotsly, too.
It's gotta stay a sekrit for now, but if you guys turn up for College Day
(THIS SATURDAY, all day, really, and it's open to the public!)
just look for the four hot geeks with purple hairribbons and we'll show you the way.

... I'm watching Ghost Hunters now and it's just plain freaky.
I should probably stop, huh. It's kinda stupid to scare myself like thiiiiissss, omigosh somebody call me quick!
okay Cara breathe.

Yesterday, Qiu and I went for another of our runs.
I hope we'll never ever ever get tired of each other cos I love that girl to bits. (our R square T square dream!)
Heck; I love all my girls. Esssspecially the Round Table Clique; RJ, Qiu, Kat, Serene, Yan.
And gosh, the stuff we talk about sometimes-- but I still love you guys. Even when you laugh at me.
I swear I'm not crazy, I'm not!

so yeah. The Sexy Six trump the Famous Five, any and every time.

me: Our pies are a cut above your burgers.
Tom: No way! Our burgers cream your pies.
me: You've gotta be kidding me. Our pies take the cake. Every. Time.

ohhh don't you just love culinary innuendo?

... Tomorrow's Labour Day and I, m'dears, will pack myself off to holland v for a nice little long little mugging spree.

I'm gonna be a good girl this time.

Back me down from backing up
Hold your breath, now it's stacking up
Etched with marks, but I can deal
And you're the problem and you can't feel
Try this on, straightjacket feeling!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

hello, old friend. 7:44 AM

The sun's coming up and we're still awake.
Am I the trigger of your gun?
your pretty eyes don't give me much choice but I'll take them home.
----

First and foremost.

A BIG thankyou-gracias-hannon le-xiexieni-danke to EVERYBODY who tagged, and who wished me well,

love you guys.

...yes, Manda, you woke me up, dammit, woman.
And in the middle of such a nice dream, too! ):
but I forgive you cos I love you and cos we almost drowned together once (your fault, tho) and almost-drowning-together has a way of bringing people closer.
isn't that twisted?

thank you RJ and Serene for the rose! and the nutella ice cream!
...okay, so you guys ended up eating the nutella ice cream; but it was a sweet sweet sweet thought and I love you guys, I owe you Frolick.

we filmed MI today and Hieu wore my white chomel dress cos he was acting as a single mother.
He looked the part! ... A little flat at the chest area, maybe, but still.

Okay so I'm on facebook now, looking at my Social Profile. (I didn't even know I had this thingymajig.)
How interesting; they rank people? So high school.

Ookay, so all my- and I quote Facebook- "strengths"; are basically kinduv really shallow?!
Like, um. "1st Prettiest", and, uh, "1st Would Rather Sleep With".
Hmm. :/ well I suppose I'm flattered. But. Sorry people; you'll hafta marry me first.
And omigosh, I got voted 13th Best In Science?! No kidding have you even seen my science marks? I mug like an ass but for Ass.Week I still get very ass-ly results.
Oh and people think I'm funny! Wowee that's a first. *beams*
...And. Apparently people think I dance better than I can fight. Hohum. Gee, guys, have you seen my bodywave? Compared to my roundhouse kick it's kinda measly.
Hmm. Facebook says my greatest weakness is my ability to entertain people. Or lack thereof. What a confidence killer, gee thanks guys. Now I'm probably gonna drop from 4th Most Confident to, like, <100th Most Confident. (read: not confident at all)
But oh well at least you guys think I'm sexy!
Which is like...yeah.

This evening Ethan and I had dinner at the rooftop cafe at Holland!
Which is a really neat little place. Narnia lampposts and starry skies.
Guess what, oh gosh-- I've realized that the brightest star in the sky? yeah that's actually a satellite.
...Yeah. I know. What?! you're saying. No way!
My reaction exactly.

"what no kidding so I've been wishing on a satellite all this while?"
"...yeah."
"damn. no wonder none of my wishes came true."

We talked about everything from LotR (prerequisite!) to NS to salsa.
Did you knowwww that Ethan is planning to dress up as an Ent for the LotR symphonic concert? Cos that way-- according to him-- he'll get in free cos they'll mistake him for one of the potted plants. Take note, Esplanade authorities.
As for me- I'll just magick my way in. Or if all else fails then I'll use my ticket.

but I think the best part was going into Al Shab's Carpet Store to look for magic carpets.

"Hello, can I help you?"
"yes please. ...which one flies?"

and the uncle grinned and bobbed his head and went, "oh all of them. you just need to know the words."
I BET the uncle secretly watches Aladdin on Disney Channel at home too!

tomorrow shall be mugging day.
time to buckle down.
okay Cara you should stop blogging.
I should?
yes you should.
okay then. oh well too bad this thought only occurred to me after I finished this long post.
yes isn't life ironic?
are you being sarcastic?
who me?
yes you.
no. why? stop talking to yourself, you're scaring all these nice people.
fine. so be that way.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

hello, old friend. 12:17 AM

National Interschool Cross Country Championships, 2008.

I knew, as soon as the airhorn blared, that something was wrong.

This wasn't the way I was accustomed to running.
Usually I would be thinking swift, strong, sleek, powerful.
But it was different, this time. My legs were moving, but it felt like they were just kneading the air-- barely skimming the concrete. Hell, it felt as if I didn't have legs at all.

The white patches hit when I crossed the halfway mark. Everything started getting pale and fuzzy and I remember briefly entertaining the notion of slowing to a halt and resting-- but I discarded that notion as quickly as I had thought it.
And the last stretch-- oh God, the last stretch. People started passing me-- people I could usually pace with, or overtake, even; and then I realized that something was wrong.
My lungs were bursting, my legs were on fire, my throat felt like it was bleeding; and I still wasn't moving as fast as I should be.

cross the line.
cross the line.
cross the line.

turned into the last straight stretch and (desperation, now) opened my strides as much as I could. still not working, something was awfully wrong, why wasn't I moving?--

-- my leg gave way a few strides before the finish line, and I hit the ground.
cue for crowd to gasp collectively.
I remember a pale, dizzy kind of panic.
something was wrong.
Got up, lifted my leg to run again, (where was my bloody leg?) and fell again.
something was wrong.

cross the line.
cross the line.
cross the line.

picked myself up again and dragged myself (one. two. three.) over the finish line.

I can't remember what happened between the finish line and the marquee
but I found myself slumped against Amanda and being propped on a chair, heard anxious voices hovering around me.

opened my eyes and everything was too bright and too sepia; silhouettes moving in slow motion, couldn't make out the words they were saying.

then my lungs started tightening and it was the most harrowing experience ever,
"breathe, breathe!"
clung onto Mr Irwan's hand tightly and drew in deep, rattling breaths (not enough air)
prayed God help me; (never realized how precious air was)
dull panic and a kind of sinking realization, the kind of feeling I get in dreams when I'm dying and I know it, know it's hang on or die off and once you let go and give up then it's game over.

I remember hands trying to moisten my lips with water
and my voice (but too weak to be my voice) murmuring, "Amanda, my heart's too fast, it's too fast.",
twenty minutes after I had stopped running and still it was racing one, two, three, four
Mr Irwan yelling around for an inhaler and all the while I was trying to draw air into my lungs but it wouldn't let me and I closed my eyes because everything was spinning,
hands shaking me; "don't close your eyes, stay awake, stay awake..."

faded in and out

vaguely felt myself being laid down on a stretcher
my mum's voice in the distance and something burning my nose
caught words about "fibrillator" and "heart rate" and "hang on"
remember wondering rather dully where Qiu and Yan were and how come I couldn't hear their voices
something cold against my skin.

somehow I ended up in the backseat of my mum's car
head on Wenloong's lap, too sick and too giddy to move and covered with a red shawl
his voice in the distance, "don't go to sleep. hang in there, hang in there, don't go to sleep."

I remember being slumped against his shoulder and lying on the floor
feeling like something had just clawed its way into my insides

I don't remember much any more.

but at night I felt sick to my stomach
and it was awful when I was sick because I hadn't even eaten anything and there wasn't anything to throw up
bitter aftertaste in my mouth
vaguely remember dragging myself to bed and thinking please let's just finish this.

now I'm at home resting and the doctor will be monitoring me.
thank you to everyone who was there, everyone who contributed to the torrent of worried messages that flooded my inbox, everyone who was worried about me and-- well.
thank you to everyone. some more than the rest-- but nevertheless, everyone.

strangely,
I am not ashamed. or embarrassed. or humiliated.

I have realized how much I would be willing to do for this crazy, dazzling, agonizing, delirious, brilliant sport.

I gave what I could give.
I ran when it hurt too much to.

I crossed the line.

and that, in itself, is what runners live for.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

hello, old friend. 6:29 AM

you said hello where the hell have you been?
I said I feel like I've been off to war and may never be the same again.
----

today is tuesday and already I am tired.

"are you all right? you don't seem like yourself today."
yeah yeah yeah, I'm fine, I'm good.
how could I not be?

I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt all this while,
today I needed answers so I tested the waters--
you had your chance and you blew it.
you can say you've got good intentions but talk's just talk and talk's cheap,
saw what you were trying to sell me in the cornerstore going for one ninety nine.
it's what you do not what you say, sweetheart;
you said to keep a little light on but my electricity bill's been rising,
I love you still but honestly right now I'm not impressed.

moving on, moving on.

so XC nationals're tomorrow
and right now, I'm not scared not apprehensive not nervous not anything,
my game plan?: run and get it over with.
my shins (yeah, plural; how awesome'm I?) have been giving me crud and honestly right now I couldn't care less. I'm sick of going around with a dumb bandage on my leg and I'm sick of people telling me that no, I shouldn't be running, it isn't good for me, calcium pills I never take and the ultrascan I'll probably never go for.

so no fear.

tomorrow I will go there and I will run and it's gonna hurt like hell but
I will cross that finish line
I will
I will;

God be with me as I do this.

NJC XC-- c'mon, c'mon. all of you are such strong people and yeah, all it takes is all we've got so let's go there and let's bring it on.

we're bringing XC back.

go team!

wednesday thursday friday saturday saturday saturday
sink down into the lavender-scented duvets and breathe old comforts in,
chocolate milk before bedtime and my jesus chair beside my bed,
well my thoughts might be lonely but they beat all and any late night conversation.

okay now Ethan's asking me if I'm all right,

time to face the world

pull back your fringe and everything will be okay
live through this and you'll never turn back
live through this and you'll never turn back.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

hello, old friend. 8:21 AM

it must be the colours and the kids that keep me alive;
----

happy birthday, ALEX!

my brother from another mother.
I can't believe people actually believed us when we said we were siblings.
we look nothing alike.

I caught you eating pizza. Baaaad canoeist, oh you're so dead.

stop patting my head; I know you're taller than me-- you don't have t'rub it in y'know. :/
may you grow up to be a hot, uber buff, uber speedy acs(i) canoeist and may you never forget all the times we used to play family and go on daunting adventures back then when we were little.
------

...Museique 2008 was neat.
we met up at City Hall before that for sushi and Qiu and I practised our Mean Girls walk-- lotsa stares, but I think we nailed it.

We all trooped to the Esplanade in record time to watch one person and one person only-- REN JEAN!
who, by the way, is freakin' photogenic and should be nominated Miss Second Violin or something.

I've realized that I've taken quite a liking to Vivaldi.
waltzes in C minor and dark satin; ghost dancers whirling past
and resplendent in the shades of grand nostalgia
take a bow and leave your partner,
take a bow and kiss her pale hand adieu,
take a bow and leave her, leave her, leave her
watch her spin away into the temporal abyss of another's arms;
the music still plays and the dance must go on.

after everything ended, I briefly contemplated taking a walk up to and around the rooftop garden, just for Memory's sake
decided against it in a moment of better judgement.

I think I'm losing faith.
but it's not like anyone's gonna stop me anyway.

oh well!

moving on.
pictures!

...mean girls.

okay, I have absolutely no idea what Hieu's doing here.
we told him to aim for "mean girls" but honestly here he kinda looks like something straight outta Happy Feet.

yes, we're all pretty betches.
hieu included.

serene where's that schmexy shot you snuck off me?
give now. pleasethankyou.

(p.s gayle: don't worry over assholes, luv! <3 )

I'm deadbeat don't wanna go to school tomorrow.

Ethan Elessar and I're gonna go for the LotR symphonic concert.
which- by Elbereth- will be awesome.

"so you're a pirate elf, huh."

damn right I am.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

hello, old friend. 9:14 AM

better watch out; going for the knockout--
----

I no longer abhor thursdays!

during free period in school today, Qiu RJ Gayle and I talked about kindergarten/primary school/secondary school memories.
I think I grew up very fast. :/
And RJ and Gayle're scary- boys, beware.
during lunch, RJ Qiu and I weren't hungry so we stayed upstairs and just talked. I love my RJ, she never complains about me complaining. and yes your sekrit's safe with me.
shh.

p.s ashwyn has kool kiddy sunglasses.
p.p.s RJ says Ben's gone for goodddd. ): Nuuu and we only ever tried him once.

anyway.
afterwards, Kat Gwen Qiu RJ and I sat around the desks and yabbered on and on about the most trivial, most insignificant things-- ie what kinds of weather we are, what flowers, what elements, etcetra etcetra. I can't remember what got us started, exactly, but I think it had something to do with The Land Before Time.
Our elements're awesome yo.
Kat- xanga light
Gwen- snow
Qiu- fire
Cara- lightning (hell yeah!)
RJ- cheese and bubbles. :/

lao shi looked really purty today.
and she looked happy, which was a nice change cos sometimes she looks really down and I think you can just tell when a person's feeling that way.
she said she wasn't exceptionally happy or anything but I think she should smile like that more often cos today she was just radiating this warm, glowy feeling; it was lovely and it made me happy too.

aaaand cross training!
I have a new eyecandy and yes, I know I'm being shallow; but if my eyecandy spurs me on t'run faster, then why the hell not, yeah?
yeaahh.
XC nats're next wednesday and I think imma die by the last stretch (if not before) but there is no way I am not going to cross that finish line.

anywayyy.
after training, Qiu and I dashed off to Attitude for body combaaaatttt
omigosh I love my Qiu she is teh absolute shizznit.
we kya-ed, jumpkicked, and roundhoused our way through an hour of sizzling music and it was absolutely amazing.
and after that, we went to get our dose of tabloids. (guilty pleasure!) some guy at the grocery store attempted (operative word: attempted) to flirt with us and after a while it got plain creepy; Qiu's too nice-- after a while I couldn't be bothered to even look at him.
and our horoscopes point to a promising month ahead, all systems go for 10th March!

hard to believe that we only really truly started talking four months ago.
the whole of last year; the most I could do with her was just laugh, or exchange smalltalk, or sit with her and our clique at lunch cos it was just convenient.
but this year everything's changed and she's like my sister now;
we run and cheerlead and cry and get high and go on sekrit magical trips together;
mess with her and I'll rearrange your face, F.O.C.

and so ends my un-abhorrent thursday.

now I must finish up my la journal entries (flowers for algernon) and my group's mi script for tomorrow but oh golly, I'm tired. :/

c'mon c'mon c'mon get up!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

hello, old friend. 6:33 AM

deb talan: big strong girl

It's not now or never.
It's not black, and it's not white.
Anything worth anything takes more than a few days
and a long, long night.

Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.

Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon
but don't expect connection any time soon.

Feel the light caress your fingertips.
You have just begun, the word has only left your lips.
Maybe in time, you will find
your arms are wrapped around the sun
you're wrapped around the sun.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:58 AM

everything that is connected and beautiful--
---

planetshakers 2008.

hello world. Did you miss it? You shouldn't have-- it was terrif.

After school; Wen Loong, Ash, WQ and I zipped into a cab and started the long, long, loong cabride to the expo.

"... are we there yet?"
"no, you fell asleep. we're on the way back now."
"but it's bright daylight!"
"yeah. it's the next day, see."

WQ: "I think you lost your lame box."
Ash: "What? Wth was that?!"
WQ: "...you know. Lame box. Voice box."
Ash: *facepalm* "... I don't know this guy."

we got to the expo, I got my pretty usher glowband; and then consequently the four of us went around camwhoring. I didn't know guys were capable of camwhoring. Until I met these three.
They're even worse than me.
we went around getting random ushers to take pictures of us on the stairs/ being an air band/ posing as bouncers/ being celebs and paparazzi on the red carpet.
picture overload, request of the guys.

... tracker power. woohoo.

oh yeah. good times.

the three of 'em kept hiding from the ushers by diving into the guys' washroom.
grr.

"what! why d'ya'll keep going to the one place where I can't go?"

Ash: "... Things would be much easier if you were a guy, Neo. Mucccchhh easier. If only you were a guy."
Wen Loong: "... That might not be as farfetched as you might think."
Cara: "!!!" *shoulderslams*
Wen Loong: "Ow. Violent. See?"

anywayyyy. the planetshakers were awesome.
We were aaaalll the way in front; like, right smack up in front; like, can't-get-any-closer-to-the-stage kinduv in front.
And that was swell.

and then amidst all the flashing lights and the stage glare
and the sound of people screaming "praise him! praise him! praise him!"
suddenly I realized how blessed I was.
I mean-- look at me. I was totally destined to have been born abnormal-- y'heard the doctors: a missing limb, maybe, or two; or no eyes or ears, or maybe not being able to hear.
"an abortion case," they said.
but my parents went God's way.
and look at how I turned out.

... I mean-- I know I can act pretty retarded sometimes; but I'm pretty darn whole, if you ask me.
I'm not missing a limb or anything-- I'm in cross country.
I'm not missing my eyes-- I love my eyeliner.
I'm not missing my ears-- they're elven whoppers.
I'm not missing a sense of hearing-- I adore my iPod.

and I'm not some little black row of numbers on a sheet of statistics for aborted babies.
I'm alive, and breathing, and free, and glowing, and more real and radiant and more full of life than ever I have felt
and God, I am so grateful for that.

so yeah. it was an experience.
I made a new usher friend, too! :D who agonized incessantly over the question of my ethnicity.
"I don't know-- you're, like, Chinese with an angmoh-ish voice and the Giselle Bundcheon tan; so tell me now stop the suspense!"
ushers united yo.
fear the glowsticks.

... Ethan came to meet me halfway through the concert. I thwacked him on the head while jumping around-- I'm sorry!
so after it was all over (amaaazing encore!) the guys and I headed back. Ethan insisted that he send me back home in a taxi, which was nice; thank you, mellon nin. (: and tomorrow there's ice skating and pool, hurrah! i love the weekends.
especially since I've just finished the SAA race-- God, thank you for seeing me through it and not letting my foot slip and not letting me fall downhill again like I did the last race,
that was terribly demoralizing and I was so afraid,
but the voice of truth tells me that this is all for you and so I ran for you,
the results were better than I'd hoped for,
thank you, I love you,

I need you more each day.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

hello, old friend. 12:41 AM

special post for the oldest, singularly most awesome bestie everrrrr.

MAXINE LAM AI TING,
sweet sixteenth to youuu!

how many years have we been besties? I've lost count but I think we started in primary two so that'd make it EIGHT YEARS! which is half of sixteen, baby;
yeah we two go waaaay back.

pssttt remember how we used to be two little geeky creatures back then in primary school?
I'd dig up the photo but I think I've already locked it into some deep dark drawer.
gosh have we progressed.

and as evidence here's our photos, through the last three?four?years.

unglam sleepers. ohemgee.

the mg clique. <3

buffet at the waterfront! omg we ate so many mussels.
whee go canoeists.

njc-fied.

you were sweaty but I love you anyway. <3

busstop camwhoring! (aka st. ignatius d&d)

ola chica, you're looking finnnne.

the equinox gang. (just how many guys didcha dance with?)

my sweet sixteenth! :D tingkerbell, ariel, and athena.

you have become strong and confident and beautiful and full of vivacity
and I could not love you more.

thanks for an amayyyzing 8 years, bestie; and here's to heaps more.

XOXO,

Cara.

Monday, April 7, 2008

hello, old friend. 5:56 AM

my God is mighty to save.
----

today started out like any other monday.

'cept during pe we all realized we had to run 2.4.
and I was totally unprepared. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually (yes, even spiritually!)... the whole thing.
My legs were hurting and I wasn't in the best of moods and I was already pretty demoralized from saturday's race (or incompletion thereof), and so I sooo joined in the efforts to cajole Mr Tong to postpone the darn thing.

"but pleeeeeeaaaasseeee, Mr Tong?"
puppy eyes don't work. hmf.

at least he didn't bust me for forgetting to bring my nj pe shirt, though. I was wearing my smile for a mile shirt.

"the next time you wear that shirt to pe, I'm going to MAKE you run and I will MAKE you smile for a mile!"

... nice guy, him. :D

so yeah. I grabbed my ipod, headed to the starting line, and we ran.
and after a while everything began to get very blurry (it was blurry in the first place, but oh well) and then it was just me and the music and God.

the second last round rolled around and then the last round
and all I could hear was the refrain
I'm running after You
I'm running after You
I'm running after You.

and in a matter of minutes it was all over.

10:15.
Six seconds off last year's timing.

I couldn't believe it at first.
I know it's not the best of timings, and all; but considering what I've been going through lately, and my troublesome shin and loss of morale etcetra,
I was pretty happy.

Those six shaved-off seconds belong to God, though.
No wait, scrap that-- the whole ten minutes and fifteen seconds belong to God.
His race, His glory.

all to His name,
thank you God.

p.s God makes an awesome running partner.

... before training, Wen Loong threatened to splash his H2O over me and so I held up my bottle of ice mountain just as threateningly,
and I totally didn't expect that he would--
-- but he splashed me! with H2O! all over!

so I emptied the contents of my ice mountain bottle all over him.

so ha.

only it was truly disgusting-- my shirt was soaked through with isotonic drinnnnkkk.

"omigosh you're gonna attract so many ants afterwards during training!"
"yeah I'm gonna have this little entourage trailing behind me when I run, how cool?!"

but yeah. c'est la vie!

and training was good. I felt great after I finished it. j'adore nj t&f. <3

p.s you're finally sixxxxxteen
join the club, sweetheart--
sweet sixteenth, sexy maxy!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

hello, old friend. 8:08 AM

but the truth is you'll never need more,
you'll never need more,
you'll never need more than this.
----

today was beautiful terrible excellent turbulent wonderful.

words don't do it justice, but I shall try.

It all started with the crosscountry race.
Which went awfully awry. It's funny how things just happen, and how you never mean them to, or even think they would happen.
I slipped and slid downhill on my shin-splinted leg. thank God I was wearing my shin guard- else the gravel would've torn up my calf. :/ and then I consequently couldn't breathe, and so had to pull up by the marshalls a little more than halfway through the race, and sat by the side of the road recovering and feeling like a right dummy.
a little later I felt better and decided to walk back; and one of the marshalls decided to accompany me. We got to talking on the way-- her name's Ferra (Ferra & Cara!) and she looks seventeen but is only fourteen and has brown eyes but wears blue contact lenses.
Qiu and Raman and Yan came to look for me cos they got really worried. Thank you girls-- I love you all so much. <3
so we walked, and then halfway back, Ferra looked at her phone, looked at me, and went,
"oh hey- the marshall back there wants your number!"
and we're all just, "... O_O."

skipskipskip fastforward to me on my way back home; and getting a message from Qiu: "hey, are you gonna go for your swim later on? I think I'll go for a night run if the weather permits it."
hence began the best of all evenings.
we made plans to go on a night run together-- got home and got ready in my room and jumped around to boppy music with my hair everywhere.

as soon as she got off the bus; we squealed "omigosh hi! (!!)", hugged each other, turned, and broke into a run straight away. it was pretty funny-- we got some pretty weird looks.

and we were so light and so fresh and so free.
we covered in eleven minutes what I'd normally take twenty minutes to cover; ran through Holland Village laughing and then laughing some more at the queer glances that came our way; ran out of Holland Village and away from the golden lights and the golden hair and the golden people
(but I swear the lights, they followed us)
hit the road
and kept running.

swooping downhill with arms outstretched screaming, "I'm free!"
we eventually got to where we wanted to go,
jumping up and down on the rickety bridge like a trampoline and sitting on seesaws and laughing and climbing to the top of the monkey bars and sitting there looking up at the stars through the trees.

"make a wish!"
and I hope mine comes true; and I sincerely hope (with all my heart) that mine comes through.

words and walls and reading love by torchlight.
everything is pure, everything is perfect; we could stay here forever and ever and ever.

"I feel so infinite."

lying in the twilight talking about the things we've loved and lost and left,
the things we've loved and lost and left;
not daring to close our eyes in case this all goes away.
one of the best things in the world is realizing that you can remember without pain.
realizing that you're not sorry things happened the way they did,
not sorry how things twisted and turned like they did,
not sorry that now there is nothing to save.
...and one of the best things in the world is sifting back on the old memories and without pain they become beautiful; without pain you can look back and laugh and fall even more in love with the new road you have undertaken.

"tonight is a night of magic and memory.
I can feel it in the air and in my bones.
tonight is a night of magic and memory."

dancing under the lamplight and around the lamppost singing "once upon a december"
so breathless we can barely keep in tune;
waltzing with imaginary princes and talking to the fairies and in that moment, we felt surreal enough and strong enough to fly;
everything began taking on a dreamlike quality- lift your hands and pray to fly through the trees and over the sleeping city.

bright faces, brighter eyes, and the brightest of dreams.
"Right now, more than anything-- I wish that I could fly."

and maybe we did
but our feet never left the ground.

...sweet, sweet girl-- you have made my night so lovely.
we believe in losing to gain; and what you let me gain today is far more beautiful and far more lasting than anything a medal could ever hope to be.

running back home over the city skyline singing "I am beautiful because I am alive!"
precious, precious; catch the lamplight and shake it in a bottle
remember tonight because we will never be the same again.

and now you open your slumberkissed eyes and see that the world is far lovelier, far more beautiful, and far more infinite than you have given it credit for.

we are beautiful because we are alive.
we are beautiful because we are alive.
we are beautiful because we are alive.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:00 AM

it's storming outside

I've been sitting inside my room (the safest place in the whole house now)
with all the lights off except for the one lamp;
listening to deb talan crackle softly over the speakers with pencil in hand; sketching high-waisted dresses for summer days off, wellies and high hems, pale lace detailing and ruffled sleeves.

golden toasted waffles and blueberry and chocolate fondue, all in the special painted porcelain tinkerbell bowl that no-one else is allowed to use except me. mm.

today is a lovely day to do nothing at all.

days like these make me want to stay indoors and have tea parties with dollhouse porcelain and ivory English china, while the weather rages outside the window and howls at the latches.

answer in hushed tones-- this house cannot take any more yelling.
say yes to whatever they tell you, hide resentment behind your growing fringe,
never stomp up the stairs, close the door quietly behind you as you go.
wear the soft chiffon headbands she buys and take whatever he says, yes daddy.
play the part of the perfect daughter.
cradle them when they cry.

and tomorrow I shall buy a vintage postcard of some obscure television family
pat the dog, mother, daddy, peter, jane, emily-- all enamel smiles and laced up boots
fade the edges with candle smoke
stick it into a frame
and call it our family photograph.