{ and we'll play summer on repeat;

Friday, November 28, 2008

hello, old friend. 9:09 PM

hey boy
so come on, get higher, loosen my lips
faith and desire and the swing of your hips
just pull me down hard and drown me in love
just pull me down hard and drown me in love.

beach holiday: starts tomorrow.
see y'all soon. much love.

xoxo,
c.

Monday, November 24, 2008

hello, old friend. 10:17 PM

Oh, oh, oh.
I always feel a little guilty about one thing or another
and I swear it ain't because of you.
----

the other day
I was walking along Orchard and I passed this little group of not-so-little, rowdy American guys and when I walked past, one of them leant over and yelled something that was either, "SUH-WEET!" or "FUH-REAK!"

like hello people, enunciate please?! um my self esteem is at stake here kthx. (okay not really but yeah.)

I did an entire inventory of myself after that and I'm pretty sure I looked pretty human- all the appropriate articles of clothing I should be wearing, I WAS wearing, and I was wearing shoes unlike that time I had to traipse around Holland V barefooted like some lost gypsy girl because Maxy's heels were too high; and my eyeliner wasn't drag queeny and it's not like I had two heads or anything- so they couldn't have been calling me a freak;
but then again, randomly yelling "suhweet!" to some random girl on the streets isn't exactly what people normally do either, so
oh, idk.

maybe I misheard and they weren't actually saying "SUH-WEET!" OR "FUH-REAK".
maybe they were saying "TWWWEET" or something. whatever.

moral of the story: EE-NUN-SEE-ATE.

anyway.
today I have been reading Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist.
If there's one thing that it's taught me, it's to be more reckless in life.

Cass squawked really loudly when I told her.
"...You? More reckless? More reckless?! ...Hello, any more reckless and you'll put the WRECK in reckless."
"Wreckless...that's a good thing, right?"
"oh yeah damn"

But honestly speaking, right now I feel so tame I can barely stand it.
I wish I could shake off this body and the expectations and the walls of this house and flip a switch and hit the streets running with the soundtrack of my life shaking the stereos of all the pretty green-glassed mowed-lawn 2.2.children-ed houses in this suburban neighbourhood.

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I couldn't care less when it comes to matters of the heart/or do I, and am I trying to guard it too closely?/I don't know, I don't know.
but as it is

"this may not last forever
but this is now
so love the one you're with"

and yes, I know that the feeling's dangerous.
but it's also swelling with a whole other world of infinite, beautiful, terrible, exquisite, devastating possibilities
and I'm okay with taking a gamble,
so c'mon Life; deal me a wild card.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

hello, old friend. 3:30 AM

I am married to your charms and grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you

----

I really, really, really, really, reaalllllyyyyy like Sundays.

Today we had a not-so-short cell word and then we all headed out to Subway and talked about lotsa lotsa lotsa stuff-- mainly interrogating Boon, who remained stoic and staid under threat of torture, and relating old ex stories and June you're such a badass girl, you!

I liked today's lunch a lot. I must've laughed off half of my turkey wrap AT LEAST.

And then we piled back into Boon's car and then baked in there for a while and Boon took us on a wild goosedrive around Singapore and then dropped us at town, thankyouBoon. (:

And then after yltc I felt entitled to a little retail therapy, so

1) Sam's birthday prezzie at Funcdeko

2) black panama hat

3) Bourjois kohl eye pencil

4) black diamante platform flipflops for the holiday

...and yeah that's about it.

Damage = not much.

See. I can be a recessionista too.

Got a call from Ryan just before celltime.

"hey, where've you been!"

"...Pareee, ho! Shoppingggg."

yes. Paris explains all.

so. Ryan-Cara-Sarah outing this week before I fly off, bitches!

RJ and Qiu if y'all are reading this, Imma watch Wild Child twice and the second time'll be with you guys kay. You'll probably be hopping mad at me ("whut! again!") but understand that I srsly cannot waitttt to watch it, and I'd try to schedule a time but you two're so busy with ISL Myanmar and who knows what other overseas camps. I have no idea how you two do it.

So when you two (finally, finally) come back and when I come back from IGGY; we're gonna hit the streets in our Christmas garb and watch Wild Child and (FINALLY) have our F.R.I.E.N.D.S/Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants II sleepover and go for that full body massage we all deserve.

Today Manda Deb June Boon and I were talking about which Disney Princesses we are. (excluding Boon, even though he could be a Disney Prince but mostuv the Disney Princes're gay anyway and even though they're technically the heroes, they're basically just glorified backdrops, which is stupid).

General consensus: Deb -> Belle, Manda -> Mulan (HAHA, sorry luv, but there's absolutely nuffink wrong with the girl plus you two went through a Guy Phase anyway so you've got something in common), June -> pending, Cara -> a mix.

I say a mix because Manda and Deb both instantly quoted Pocahontas, but June insisted I was more like Ariel and then veered towards Pocahontas, in the end.

If everybody I've surveyed is to believed, I am a:

Pocahontas-Jasmine-Esmerelda-Ariel-Belle mix.

I don't think I'm a whole lot like Belle. She's more Deb-bish, srsly, what with the whole artsy thing and how troubled guys seem to gravitate towards her.

Ariel...well yeah, I s'ppose I can be pretty stubborn and I like getting my way a lot and I like singing and I remember my whole Little Mermaid phase-- mugs, plates, cutlery, posters, jigsaws, plushies, costumes...you name it, I had it. I swear, at funfairs, I scoured the cardboard boxes for Disney finds and was absolutely over the moon when I scored a lifesized Flounder plushie and a windup Sebastian vintage McDonald's toy.

Esmerelda= gypsy= probably, yes.

As for Jasmine- okay, so I have my spoilt suburban princess moments and according to certain people I am pampered and overprotected, so whatev.

Pocahontas... yeah, well. You guys be the judge of that.

...On the topic of Disney Princesses; the other day, somebody told me to watch this video because he'd stumbled upon it on youtube and he said it reminded him of me.

It's a cheesy song and yes, kinda draggy, but Disney magic has a way of redeeming even the cheesiest of music videos.

And this one is lovely, so thank you.

sometimes it's the little things that bring the magic back.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

hello, old friend. 9:32 PM

"There comes a time when every life goes off course.
In this desperate moment, you must choose your direction.
Will you fight to stay on the path?
Will others tell you who you are?
Or will you label yourself?
Will you be haunted by your choice?
Or will you embrace your new path?
Each morning you choose to move forward.
Or simply give up."
-OTH
---

disclaimer: if this post is in any way incoherent it's because i haven't had enough sleep kthx.

HELLO I'M BACK AND YLTC IS OFFICIALLY OVERRRRR

i'm a survivor!

day 1: day-long amazing race around singapore --> spending 1.5 hours walking around vivo --> Go(diva), Go India, Man(go), omg, overanalyzers.
day 2: sea expedition (12 km kayaking), night cycling (42 km)
day 3: sea expedition (dragonboating) --> and our boat ttly pwned the rest yaye and we got to capsize the entire dragonboat and i got to climb onboard to bail out the water, which was tiring but very very fun
day 4: all of us were woken at 3am to go on a competitive 10km run around changi.

Group ACE, I love you guys.
My favourite part was definitely how we sang loudly and out-of-tunely and chanted army cheers all throughout the Final Challenge Run. It's amazing how times like that show people's true colours and it's amazing to see how some people really rise to the occasion.

"what are your bodies made of?"
"STEEL!"
"how high is your confidence?"
"SKY HIGH!"

and even though we spent 1.5 hours running around changi at some ungodly hour and we must've looked like right loonies singing and yelling ("arrrre you ready, kids?" "AYE AYE, CAP'N!!!") and puffing away, you guys were the greatest.
we're made of steel yaw.

"run baby run
don't ever look back"

...amen.

so now I'm back home and have just consumed 123987238 tons of food previously made unavailable at yltc oops. Oh but what the hey; we had a 10km run today AND we did well (go Ace!) so who cares.
things I have missed back home:
1) my parents!
2) jon and jana. who knew annoying little siblings could be miss-able.
3) dead sea clay face mask
4) MY BED
5) IPODDDDDDD omggggg
6) clean bathrooms without pads left in the washroom stalls or disposable undies floating around in the dubiously murky bath water
7) strawberry sundae
8) my zone-out-and-not-do-anything-productive time

and mummy's booked a facial at holland v for me tomorrow, so-- post-yltc skin: begone!
time for cara to get all shiny and spiffy again. it feels so weird to finally have proper eyeliner and pretty clothes and a pair of good heels on, after five days of dashing around in fbts and team nj shirts and stinky old shoes.

next stop: IGGY Winter Creative Writing & Comparative Culture Uni
time to conquer this homesickness thing.
But whatever. I'm just gonna keep telling myself that it's only from the 9th to 20th(!) and I'll be writing heaploads and heaploads and making lots of new friends from around the world and that should be enough in itself, though I am a little wistful about not being able to venture around town and soak up the festive ambience as much.

but on a sidenote: the christmas tree arrived today- a gloriously big, dense, frondy one; and I'm sitting next to it at the Mac now and the scent of pine leaves are filling the living room and it's great, I love everything about Christmas; p.s reminder to self: start Christmas shopping soon.

OH and.
I've heard that a lot of people think Boys Like Girls're a (and I quote) "gay shiat band"
but personally I love their songs
and personally I love their lyrics.

Thunder: overplayed, but priceless, and always it brings back memories of blue-sky eyes and the delicate web of freckled translucent skin over his summer sunburn.

digressing, though: BLG are coming out with a new album, Heavy Heart, and I can't wait. I've heard the leaked songs and I specially like "Free" it's nice, go listen. ("now don't worry bout a thing; you can fly without my wings...")

okay y'know what.
every other sensible yltc '08 participant's probably been in bed since this afternoon;
so, Cara, why're you still up? it's almost midnight. silly girl.

...hence the end of this highly non-significant ramble.
morrrrrre next time and next time I'll be more coherent, I promise.
it's time to get my goodnight kiss and then sink into my (no more sleeping bags on hard floors!) own bed with the fairy lights twined along the side and into the fluffy warm duvet in an eskimo cold bedroom and sleeeep.

no place like home.

Friday, November 14, 2008

hello, old friend. 1:25 AM

Whoa.
That was a rough patch.
So thank you to the people who gave love,
and welcome back to the people who survived OBS, I missed you guys heaploadz.
...someone's been kinda getting on my nrrrves lately though but that's okay. I'll still smile and play along when you lean in for the air kiss.

sidenote:
I thought angels lived in nightclubs
but the truth is sometimes friday nights're better spent at home
think warm blankets, good food, best love,
look around you, wayward daughter, there's a
hallelujah chorus around your family's dining table.

I know I tend to talk a lot about the weather, but lately the weather's been perfect for all the good-girl-homebody things I've wanted to do,
like watching Running With Scissors on the sofa with a big bowl of chilled green apples
and writing a long rambly character biography for my new Lands of Terrawin character Undine Half-Siren (yes I'm a geek --> 8D and proud of it )
and catching up with old beloved A-U Oldies
and listening to Deb Talan and Our Lady Peace and the Decemberists with the rain coming down hard outside my window and the cold air on full-blast and me lying in a nest of disney princess duvets on the floor in the middle of my room.

it's finally beginning to feel like Christmas.

HAPPY SIGH GOES HERE.

Tag me, leave love.
I know you guys're reading this so even if it's just a "HEY CARA WHOA YOUR TAGBOARD'S DEAD", it's okay.

happy holidays, cupcakes.

Monday, November 10, 2008

hello, old friend. 7:15 AM

I get dangerous when I'm around
emotions.

last night
after finishing Tristan And Isolde
I went into a manic kind of frenzy.
I don't know what triggered it but I went over the edge
just looking for a turquoise pendant that meant a lot to me a long time ago.

flung one, three, four, all closet doors open
dropped to my knees and started rummaging through the shelves,
fingernails pulling apart used paper bags and ripping into their contents
blindly batting at the dust devils that rose like miniature sandstorms
and all the while the silent, desperate moan of "please, please, please..." rising higher in my throat like the sound dying ships make as they sink into the waves

one hour later
found me sitting amidst a pile of old trinkets from half-forgotten friends and old dusty plastic bags and bits of plastic
but no pendant
with my eyes and nose streaming from the allergies/tears/both?
buried my face in my dusty hands and sobbed dry heaving sobs that terrified me
the one physical thing I had left to remind me of them
and i'd lost it. presumably forever.

glanced up into the mirror
and whoever called that girl pretty must have had another think coming
the girl in the glass was no beauty queen
was no spoilt suburban princess,
fingers stained grey tracks down tear-swollen black-rimmed lids
hands hanging limply like dead men in nooses
looked into her eyes and knew that she had lost
something that had meant
everything
to her.

fingers shivered over phone buttons like drunken dancers =
"oh, sweetheart. you miss him? have you talked to him lately?"
"no, he's dead"
and the finality of this rings through my head again and again and again...

hang up and half-slither, boneless, against the wooden floor.
i get up the courage to rise to my knees again
to start searching again
and this time i can barely see what i am tearing through,
i am shaking so hard.
my lips move over the two lost (but always loved, but always loved) names like they are sacred scripture
repeating them over and over in some dazed droning chant
as if by doing this some divine light would shine down through my lavender walls
and say "see, child, the pendant was here all along"
or better, even better;
"...we are here. we are here and we love you and we never left you
we are here and we will not leave you and we're sorry we made you cry
please don't cry
stop, just stop, please

stop."

so then i
freeze for a moment to register what i must look like from the outside
(a stark raving lunatic)
and start laughing and crying, wash rinse repeat,
because in this moment, i realize that i might very possibly
be going crazy.

at this point: still no pendant
but my fingers are closed around a little white stone i found
that was my wishing stone when i was smaller.
i've got one wish and it's the one wish that no magic stone could ever make come true
because granite can't bring dead people to life
and pebbles don't find you the people you lost somewhere along the way
but somehow the little white stone in my hand comforts me;
even as i sit back on my haunches surveying the room i turned upside down in my frenzy
even as the mania freezes over, summer popsicle in reverse,
and the white noise that has been screaming in my head dims to a tolerable thread seesawing through an old hollow wound,
dims to the dull little ache
that everyone who has lost someone must feel.

in the growing clarity i can hear myself think again
and in my head a small voice is saying:
this is it.
there is no pendant here, and they are gone, and they're not coming back.
and this hurts but there is no burn.

suddenly the brightness goes out of everything
and i am tired, so tired.
fifteen minutes later i pull myself into bed and drag the covers over my shoulders
fall asleep with the wishing stone held tightly in my palm
(but not as tightly as i would have held Them if They were still with me)

the world is a big place and it is easy to lose people you love
i don't believe in what all the songs say, that you should let them fly
because what if they pull an Icarus and go too close to the sun and
die?

no, i believe that when you've found someone;
when you love someone,
and i mean really, really love someone
you should hold on tight and never let go

because the world is a big place and it is easy to lose people you love

take it from someone who knows.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

hello, old friend. 3:34 AM

is: down with the stomach flu.
can: not do anything much at the moment. So I've been spending the day resting and watching videos.

I especially like Taylor Swift's "White Horse", on her new Fearless album release.
Yes I know I don't strike most people as being particularly country music-esque but I think I've got an inner southern gal somewhere inside of me.

You can listen to the song here. The video's nothing- just a static picture of her album cover; but the song's lovely.

And I know a lot of people out there can relate.
Someone was complaining about players to me the other day, and I was thinking about it and I realized that behind every player; is a time that they were played and were broken themselves,
and I'm not saying that that exonerates the playing,
but it makes it a lot more understandable.

Another thing:
I used to be one of those people who thought that all of us only ever have one soulmate in the whole wide world,
but I guess I could be very, very wrong.
Because out of the billions of people out there, there could be a thousand different soulmates for each one of us whom we could love in so many different ways and then it becomes just a matter of finding that window of opportunity to let them into our lives and to become part of theirs.
There's this Dr Seuss book I used to read when I was little, and it was called "Are You My Mother?" and it was all about a little bird going around asking different things (cows, humans, pigs) whether they were his mother.
Sometimes I wonder what it'd be like if people could go around doing the same thing; stopping random strangers on the sidewalk and asking "Excuse me, but- are you my soulmate?" and it sounds kinda pretty crazy but then again you never know what you might find.

And I guess sometimes life's all about taking a gamble;
and I never thought I'd quote GG(!) but like Dan said, (it was something like)
"You could not do anything and have nothing; or you could take a risk and...maybe. Maybe end up with everything."

So yeah.
Moral of today's story is:
1) listen to Taylor Swift's White Horse
2) missing someone and missing the way they made you feel is not the same thing
3) give love a chance.

peace out.

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

hello, old friend. 4:00 AM

Long Rambly Self Exploratory Post Ahead.
You were warned!

It's scary how fast gossip travels.
... Apparently it travels across oceans, too; but the thing is you can say what you will but I'm going to live how I want to and I think I'm entitled to that.
The way I see it; love me or hate me- either way, I'll be on your mind.

Oh and yesterday I was at the library and I borrowed lots of books like Isolde Of The White Hands and Valiant and a book about Indigo Children that I found in the psychology section. I found it interesting, read a section of the introduction out to my mum, and she got a funny look on her face and the first thing she asked was,
"...Cara, are you an Indigo Child?"

She mentioned it to my dad and he frowned and said "...New Age" like it was some kind of blasphemous swear-word and my mum nodded and echoed "...new age" and both of them got the Don't-Peruse-This-Or-It'll-Escalate-Into-Something-Bad look on their faces and I knew better than to keep talking about it.

I hate it, though.
My Christian life and my inclination towards the New Age and I face this conflict, again and again.
You see it's not a matter of a "flirtation with the esoteric". I've been through enough to know this isn't a flirtation, there's far more to it than that, and always I am drawn back to what feels like my roots.
I've always been into magick- even as a little girl.
I remember going up into the attics of old houses to make new imaginary friends and I had imaginary pets that followed me everywhere
and I remember I would talk to plants because I figured nobody talked to them much so they'd be lonely
and I remember going out into the garden and staunchly believing that fairies lived in the large shrub-tree at the end of it, and leaving little flowers with water in their centres out at night for the fairies to drink from.

...Maybe the spirit world was always a little more open to me, too.
I remember looking up into the sky one day and seeing (this is going to sound kinda stupid but) my deceased great grandma in the clouds. It wasn't just one of those blurry cloud images that you can get from looking at any old cloud; this one was different. It WAS her. I must've been about seven at the time and I remember telling my parents very excitedly and they got all excited too and from then on I always looked up into the sky, when I remembered, but I never again saw her the way I had; so clearly and so distinctly.
I also remember one night, recently after we'd just moved into our new home- we hadn't gotten it house-blessed yet. I remember waking up in the middle of the night with the sensation that something was really, really wrong; and then I glanced around my room and saw a little black figure sitting astride the life-sized toy horse I had back then.
You can chalk it up to vivid imagination but I know what I saw and what I saw terrified me. I couldn't even get out of bed or yell for "mummy! daddy!"- it was awful and all I was capable of doing was pulling the sheets up to my nose and whimpering and praying that the horrible black figure would go away.
But it didn't.
I remember looking up from under the sheets, every now and then, praying and praying that the ghastly silhouette would disappear and that I could blame an overexcitable imagination; but the figure stayed there and I was so afraid that it felt like something was bolting my limbs to the bed.
Eventually I couldn't take it any more- closed my eyes and bolted, half-blind, out of my room, away from the horrible black figure in the corner and into my parents' room where I burst into hysterical tears.
We got the house house-blessed two days after, and the figure never re-appeared again.

And it's not just that
even now I see things and feel things and (occasionally) hear things that I don't think normal people see/feel/hear
call it psychic or emotionally sensitive or plain looney
help i'm a weirdo!
yes i have realized.

... Whoa okay this is turning out to be quite the stroll down Memory Lane.
If you've managed to make it to this point-- congratulations. And thanks. You've accomplished quite a feat.

I don't normally tell people all this stuff personally because usually, after my long heartfelt confession, there's this moment of silence and then they look at me and are all, "...dude. you're weird."
and I'm like, "gee. yeah totally the response I was looking for. thanks."

AND it's pretty ironic because after all this is the Internet! and by typing this megabyte-guzzling paragraph of pretty irrelevant stuff, the whole world's gonna have free access to this,
but somehow it's easier to catharsyse (is there such a word? if there isn't then i just made a new one and it's mine, copyright cara) online than it is to look someone in the eye and tell them all of this.

So yeah.
I guess it's just something I've gotta live with. Maybe this is all part of Growing Up and Finding Myself and whatever the teenage psychology books say. Maybe this is all just a Phase.
Maybe I'm just a Self Indulgent Teenager with a Tendency To Over-Analyze who needs to Get A Grip.

But seriously.
"Christianity versus New Age", blasts the headlines, like the deafening Muay Thai announcements I hear lots of in Thailand, on holidays.
"Face-off! Showdown! Christianity versus New Age!"
Can't I do away with the "versus" and put in an "and" or something? Isn't it possible to draw some sort of harmony between both?

I believe there is and I'm going to keep trying, dark eyes, I'm going to keep trying.

...So yeah.
More next time, and I promise next time I'll be a lot more coherent.
Watch this space!

Sunday, November 2, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:28 AM

are you proud?
are you proud?
are you very very proud?

...well you should be.
because I slept at 4am last night/this morning cuz I was talking to Qiu and then J and telling him all about my imaginary pet unicorn Amfylobbsis and Henry the Invisible Dog and then I got up at 7 and embarked on the long ardous journey to church and I STAYED AWAKE THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SERMON!

...i know. like wowee, right?
it's not that the sermons're boring, or anything. heck no. it's my problem, i guess-- the magic words "and the sermon for today is..." seem to have some kind of mind-numbing effect on me and no matter how valiantly i attempt to keep my eyelids open or how many times i valiantly try to not nod off into deb/manda's lap (...believe me; it's happened. not my finest of moments.), i almost always end up falling asleep.
I know, I know- naughty Cara.
but it's not like I WANT to nod off, or anything!

but digressing.
so i stayed awake throughout the entttttttire sermon today! you'd better be proud.
AND. that's not all. I...(cue drumroll)...WENT FOR CELL!

i know like WOW.
i'd been M.I.A from cell group for so long that i was starting to think (and it's probably true) that my name'd been put down on some "BLACK SHEEP OF THE CHURCH"/ "POOR LOST SOULS" list.
thing is-- once i was actually back there-- i realized that cell group's not half bad. yes the little lost sheep finally sees the error of her old ways. DID I MENTION I LOVE OUR NEW CELL GROUP :D
kinky six + boon + june = YAY FUN !

june says i must learn to go to cell for The Right Reasons, so next week i shall go because i want to. and my going-to-cell will have absolutely nothing to do with my being deathly afraid of what june'll do to me if i don't show up.

so after cell we all went to holland v (again, but i'm never gonna get tired of that place) and snuck Subway sandwiches into Burger King and bummed around for an hour-and-a-half just talking and laughing and reminiscing and generally making wayyy too much noise.
MANDA AND I USED TO BE GEEKS :D
BUT MANDA WAS WAY GEEKIER PLEASE :D :D
deb was never a geek. i say that's grossly unfair.
we're all gonna go for Mambo Nighhhhtttt. i think. i wanna watch Manda dance her...inspired...dance moves and i wanna watch her and Momo order hot milk and orange juice respectively at the bar. i wanna see how Aaron holds out. I wanna see what Deb does; experiment #1: put a gig kid in a club and observe.
screw the "too-cool-for-you" kids; for one night, the Macarena'll be back in vogue.

anyway yes. so.
kinky six + ellery ==> I LOVE YOU GUYZZZZ hurrah sundays just got a whole lot better.

weekends are for the warriors,
[our group picture goes here but we don't have one yet]

peace out XOXO.