{ and we'll play summer on repeat;

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

hello, old friend. 6:41 AM

HELLO TAGBOARD ARE YOU DEAD.
I'm srsly starting to doubt that people actually read this Guzzler of Precious Internet Megabytes but whatever. Hello Cara you're talking to yourself.
This could be the start of worse thingsssss, Preciousssss.

Okay so lately I have been treading in/out/in/out of my Semi Newfound Life and I'm not quite sure if I like it. I think I do.
I just wish people would stop judging me-- I see your faces when you guys look at me and I hear your nasty little catty comments and I know what you're thinking and sometimes it takes all I've got not to grab fistfuls of your hair and scream in your faces "GO AHEAD JUDGE ME I DARE YOU TO JUDGE ME I DARE YOU"
Maybe before you start whispering behind my back (and don't think I can't hear because I've got lovely oversized elf ears and yes I can hear you loud and clear, honey, speakers're on) you should take a look at yourselves
and maybe I'm flawed
and maybe I'm spiralling
but maybe I'm just being sixteen
and maybe if you could take the microscope off me you would see how dull and suburban and plain-paper-prissy your lives are
(will anyone remember your name? will anyone remember your name?)
and what it all comes down to? is that
i'll have the lights the city heartbeat the rollercoaster romances the wrinkles on the palms of strangers i met on the street the tragedies the technicolour rrrrushes
and you?
you'll have Lavender Monet walls and a white picket fence
nice lawn, nice husband, nice kids, nice paycheck, nice nice nice, yes,
and you'll die in nice shackles, sweetheart.

another thing.
lately I've realized that everyone I know is pretty screwed up.
No offence. I mean- God knows I'm not the epitome of Flawlessness, either.
But I've realized that everyone I know has at least one terrible, terrible secret that would rend your soul if you heard it and it makes me sad, what this generation is coming to;
our hearts are breaking but MTV's turned on too loud for anyone to hear.

And if you're out there,
any of you, every one of you,
if you're out there and you're hurting (and i know you are):

I just want you to know that I know.
I know how it hurts so badly that you lie on the bathroom tiles and cradle your head in your hands but all your tears dried up long ago
I know how hard it is to pull away because it/they/he/she keeps pulling you back in for more and your head is screaming no but being a teenager, every other part of you screams yes, yes, yes
I know how the scars never seem to heal because every time you move, the stitches tear apart all over again
I know how something as simple as seeing rain fall or hearing a song over the radio or revisiting an old memory can make you drop everything and cry like a baby
I know I know I know I know

and I want you to know, most of all, that I love all of you.

And I wish I could be there right beside every single one of you
because tonight when you lie in your empty bed staring at the ceiling and trying to make sense of everything
because when darkness comes and you're wide awake and short of breath because you know with the night comes the loneliness and you're weak and you're tired of fighting and you're terrified,
I'd go down on my knees beside your bed and cradle each of you in my arms and wipe your runny nose with Kleenex and stroke your hair while you grieve and tell you "it's going to be okay"
because it is.
and you're going to have to believe that.

and I'd stay with you all through the night
just stroking your hair and rocking you back and forth and hugging you
and waiting for the morning
and I'd lift your fringe from your face and tell you "...a new day is going to come"
because it will.
and you and me?
we're going to have to believe that.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:08 AM

When I played my song, you used to sing along,
I always seem to forget how fragile are the very strong.
I'm sorry I can't steal you, I'm sorry I can't stay.
So I put bandaids on your knees and watch you fly away.
-----

and we will never be as beautiful as we are now.

07IP04- thank you for the memories.
I have never known a class like you guys- so yeah we have our trivial tiffs and yeah we get on each other's nerves at times, but you know and I know that in the end we really are one big family; and I would die for you guys.

sitting there on the couch with you guys, playing blatantly kiddy games like dressing up the guys and all those hand games and laughing over the silliest, simplest things-- I realized that I don't need the high life to be happy, and bigger isn't always better, and sometimes the simplest things make us the happiest.

you guys have showed me the kind of love i won't easily forget.
here's to two years, and the last time(?) we'll be this way.

---

yesterday: the most memorable night ever.

went out with Maxy and Ting.
we're awesome at being stealth.

hung around Boat Quay and headed up to Silver.
which was okay. they treated us nice and stuff; and smoke machines're always cool. ;)
in the end, though, we decided to make an early exit and then I called Solo and he brought us on the Tour De Royale of Boat Quay. (ty, that was an incredible experience and yes, your hair is tres awesome)

what happened next will stay mum
my lips're sealed.

(but ftr maxy's scarily good at winning games and poor ting had to drink a lot.)

after everything, though, MaxTing&I headed back down to town ("YAY hoorah for uptown-nesssss") and watched HSM3 at 2.30 in the morning.
Troy Bolton is: the epitome of All American-ness. He's even got the checkered shirt and the blue eyes and the beat-up pickup truck and everything.
I think it's pretty cute how apparently NJ IP's being renamed Junior High and Senior High because Mrs Cheng's granddaughter's crazy over HSM.
Next year >> straight through to senior high, yo.

went back to Maxy's place (it was about 5.30am by then) and realized (!) the door was bolted from the inside so we fell asleep in Maxy's backyard. stumbled into the house with dark eyes and night-tangled hair at 8am and fell asleep in various corners of Maxy's room.

the shh part was the funniest part.
gawsh i still smile when i look back on it now.
what an experience for the three uptown girls.

[/edit]
pictures from 4am at Boat Quay/Orchard.

...i look tall here! :D
...and also, oddly enough, as if my head's been dislocated from my neck. :/
oh well it's a Tall People Problem.

because summer hair = forever young
and being sixteen = invincible.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

hello, old friend. 7:40 AM

foreword from cara:
i know you're hurting.
but please stay strong
this is for you.
-----

people have learnt not to bleed in the daylight
because nobody wants a dirty sidewalk
but the night makes people reckless and our tongues get loosened by alcohol and the ache that strikes at midday starts pulling our rat-trap ribcages apart like old stitches
veins, check; heart, check; pain, check check check
call into the crevice and hear your lover’s voice echoing “hello, hello, hello…”

you can’t hold yourself responsible for what you do at midnight, baby
nobody smiles when it gets dark because nobody can see anyway
and your eyes tell such terrible stories when you’re alone
your eyes tell such terrible stories when you’re alone

trembling fingers t-t-thumb through your phonebook
sailing over names of fair-weather friends because there are continents between you
and your pride would have sunk Caesar’s ships.
you think you’re alone but the city’s ablaze with lights tonight
but you’re not outside to see it
lonely people lick old wounds by windows plastered with halves of old polaroids
if we shared our band-aids around I’m sure we could heal just about everyone.

dive under the blankets for comfort
whisper old loved words to yourself and pretend your voice is warmer, deep, richer
just a little more broken, maybe, and filled with so much more sadness
like honey-thick caramel coffee on a rainy Monday morning
your memories are holding you.

close your eyes your lids are thick with tears
they’re thick with black lashes thick with Sunday’s sadness
heavy enough for a dark dreamless sleep and your searching fingers carve the outline of where he used to lie tangled in the bedclothes next to you
your lips curl around his name in the middle of the night but I’m awake still and what a lonely sound you’re making sweetie
sit up till 4am stroking your hair and oh how lost you sound in your slumber

your eyes fly open and one: they illuminate and for a moment the room smiles
then two: you see my face and yours falls and you,
you are tired of being strong
you roll over in the bedsheets and cry strange animal noises
hiccup yourself to sleep now
you’ve done this for a week now.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

hello, old friend. 8:51 PM

and

"she's spinning out of control,"

they said.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

hello, old friend. 6:36 AM

seventeen superstylin' 2008:

...was so awesome! (!!)
we went there to try and end up as finalists, but the two of us ended up being crowned Miss Fasio 2008 instead.
who'd have guessed?

it was, hands down, the best Summarissa outing ever.

They kicked off everything with a makeup session by Greg O, who was really funny ("remember, darlings- more is always more! more more more more!") and then a talk by Janice Pidduck (Seventeen's resident fashion writer) about the up and coming fashion trends for fall/winter 2008-- i like the folkloric, country chic, and dark angel trends especially that LBD was to die for.
it felt kinda funny cuz she was talking and the slides were flashing on the plasma tv screens and for some reason it kinda felt like we were having a fashion lesson in some couture school.
which was a weird feeling but it was neat. i mean- compared to learning about oogonia and dative bonding and semiferous tubules like we usually do in school.

then Nixem from Runway Concepts came onstage and it was a riot.
That guy has smexy legs, I swear. Talk about rocking the sex kitten stilettos.
he just put on the killer heels and sashayed down the runway like whoaaaa, work it, sweetie.
"if you've got it; flaaaaaunt it!"
I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

then.
Kat went to the Fasio booth to get her makeup done, and I was standing there and watching and then one of the makeup artistes was all, "do you want your makeup done too?" and I already had a little eyeliner on but I said okay.
so she sat me down and did my mascara and stuff. I got to talking to her and we took piccies together (fashion bar's got gr8 lighting) and then i said thank you and went off but then later on when I was hanging around that general area again, these three people started buzzing amongst themselves and then asked me what contestant number I was, and then when I told them they handed me back to the makeup artiste and went, "...okay do her lips too. and her cheeks. and put more mascara. remember to do the lips." and I was all, "ulp wot's happening" but i went with the flow and sat down obediently while they started fussing over my makeup again.
which was when i started feeling just a little awkward, so I grabbed Cooper's hand and said "can you do her makeup too, then?" and made her sit next to me and get more makeup done.

realized I had to use the washroom, so I took Coop's hand again and we walked outside- which was when we glanced into a mirror and realized that (!!) our makeup had been layered on thickkkk. like, thick. really thick. and while it had looked incredible in the dim lighting of fashion bar, outside in broad daylight we kinda resembled drag queens...

so i did a little makeup improv with my own, with foundation to lighten the blush and a little clear lipgloss to lighten the original lipstick shade they'd used for me.
then i was satisfied so we went back into fashion bar.

in a little while, everyone started gathering around the runway again cuz the results were being announced. and omg wtfh.

Cooper and I = both Miss Fasio 2008

which was ttly unexpected and all (!)
i think we'll be having a shoot sometime late this year but things're tentative so we'll see.
but we were happy campers :) i like the mascara they used.
and i like being a fasio ambassador, too.
hurrah for the two Ms Fasioszzzz.

pictures with the editor and fashion&beauty writers of Seventeen.

after everything ended
we walked around and then got our hair done by the people from l'oreal-- who were completely boggled when they realized that yes, i do actually speak chinese. and then they were visibly impressed and started laughing HAHA yes i am effectively bilingual okay. multilingual, too, if you count elvish.
okay so we chatted and made friends with Jack, one of the lead hairstylists.
they plumped up my hair with lots of volume and did up really sexy curls which i absolutely lovvvved and cooper was ttly hot too she had the whole bombshell thing going on.
plus we got to take home lots of hairstyling products, since they didn't want to lug everything back home.

jack and the two jills.

got up onto the runway for pictures with Nixem
(who i realize is really really buff. wow.)

Nixem: "are you two the models too?"
Us: "uh..."
Jack: (headbutts in) "no no no don't steal them they're MY models!"

hahaha awww and ily too.

hung around fashion bar until i remembered that i wanted to get my black maxidress, so off we went. then I (lugging all my newly acquired hairproducts + fasio products + seventeen magazines + goodness knows what else) struggled my way to the bus stop and bussed down to farrer road. And then Samuel picked me up and drove me to his place and I watched Scooby Doo with Char and Ying (they are ahdorable, i swear) and laughed over the funny pictures of sam and his ac clique and I BET YOU STILL ACTUALLY DO READ ARTEMIS FOWL. you just don't want to admit it.
then teh mummy called, so sam sent me back home and hello what is wrong with big cars? i happen to love big cars i think they're the sex.

[/endhappyramble]

...so yeah.
today was incredible.
Summarissa outings are the shizznit and i had crazyass loads of fun plus a whole load of crazyass cosmetics and a whole load of numbers and deals from crazyass crazyawesome people.

so here's to us.
we were never much of a Fab Four, but the truth of the matter is: Summarissa WILL always be,
and to quote Cooper:

"we rule the runway"

...love you, girlie XOXO

Friday, October 10, 2008

hello, old friend. 8:01 PM

we're crashing cars we used to share,
we're summer girls with summer hair
we're driving round, chasing the stars
but the party's busted up before it ever starts.
------

our hotel venture was the shizznit.
partners in crime: rj, qiu, serene, gwen, janice.

we checked into Orchard Hotel and then went out and did our Desperate Housewives/Sex And The City walk down Orchard Road, arms linked and hips k-k-keeping rhythm and everything. Attracted stares. Was tempted to blast "When I Grow Up" from RJ's ipod speakers to go with our screw-you walk down the Paragon stretch but decided that that would be a little OTT.

dinner was awesome mmm sashimi and icecream and chocolate truffles.
RJ is a champion marathon buffet eater, I swear. By the time we hit 7pm, all of us were slouched on the table with the "omgawwwwsh" faces and she was still going strong and we had to wait another hour before she was finally satisfied with her 1239872329th plate.

rj on her gazillionth plate.

i have no idea what gwen is doing. ask her yourself.

if we were the desperate housewives,
gwen = bree
qiu = susan
serene = lynette
janice = evil new neighbour lady >:(
rj = the...gardener. whut you don't look anything like jesse metcalfe hello.
cara = gaby. (sidenote: why do I always end up being gaby? not that i'm complaining or anything cuz after all, gaby's sizzlin' hot and everything but still. i mean- the whole sex-with-the-gardener thing. couldn't she find anyone better than the househelp?)

okay, so digressing.
back to the hotel.
some things must be kept sekrit and some things must never be revealed but it started off innocently enough, with us playing an awesome 3 rounds of M.A.S.H. and then playing truth or truth and "i have never"- or, in tipsy Janice's words- "never have i ever".

then things started getting wonky- qiu started lolling around and i couldn't stop laughing and rj was rocking back and forth on the bed and serene looked like a cherry lollipop.

danced/rolled/rocked around to music until the manager came up to tell us to "please hush, the people downstairs're complaining".

"all my stripper friends
all my ex boyfriends
we all want the same thing, we all want the same thing
parties in the bar, reaching for the stars,
we all want the same thinggggg"

we all love tila tequila.

...catfight!

then came the darkness.
which brought me back down to earth a little because up till then, i'd never really seen the darker side of _____
and for one moment, for one awful moment
i realized that i could have lost a friend
and i'm sorry,
i hope you still know that i'd never do anything to hurt you and i do love you v v much.

but then ryan stopped by with sarah, which kind of made it worse but made me feel better.
it's nice to be greeted with a big hug and a "hey, biatch!" aww ily too.
toyed with the idea of going to Sahara with him to dance off the dinner calories but decided I was probably better off staying with the girls.
so he came up to our room,
and refused to do the (kinkified, Ryan-style) Disturbia dance alone so I ended up doing it by myself and looking like a right idiot,
and then he started telling creepy hwa chong international ghost stories and then in the middle of one riiight at the climax he GRABBED my hand like THIS(!) and I was all "ZMG AHHH".
stupid ho. >:(

he stayed till about 1am and then i escorted him down to the lobby to wait for Vehn to pick the princess up in his porsche, and Ryan was telling me stupid stories all the way down, even in the lift, like how you should always cross your arms and never let them hang by your side in the lift cuz you might feel someone grabbing it and it was stupid but I got freaked out okay and then on the way back up again I made sure to cross my arms and not let them hang.
...not that i was scared or anything, y'know, but just in case.

so i went back up into the room and bolted/unbolted/rebolted the hotel door like nine times consecutively, stupid OCD thing, but i was paranoid, okay? and then we all lay in bed and attempted to carry out a conversation but the intervals between the dialogues got progressively longer and longer and the answers came out sounding more and more sedated each time so eventually i gave up and let sleep take me.

...that's not mine.
mine's nicer.

looking back in ten years time
we'll probably think what we did last night was silly and childish and juvenile
but the truth of the matter is that we're only going to be sixteen once and we intend to live like it
because we all only breathe for so long and we only get this moment, this one chance, this here, this now,
and although sometimes it scares me how i seem to be losing my grip on myself
and although the everpresent dialogues "you're different", "you've changed", "don't hurt yourself", "be safe", "you're scaring us" hang in the balance
don't judge me because like all of you
i am not immortal but i live like i am
and it's a beautiful thing but it terrifies me sometimes.

so here's to living like we do,
la vida sixteen,
la vida desperation,
we will never have this moment again.