{ and we'll play summer on repeat;

Sunday, September 28, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:24 AM

so draw me in technicolour, baby
-----

two more days till ass. week is officially over.

today I (yes, long self-involved narrative coming up)
got back home and ran on the treadmill while watching "OC: Beachy Couture" on the seventh dvd of the second season of the OC, which was fun, because they brought the stylists in to talk about why they made the characters wear what they did, and stuff, no I'm not a bimbo; I just like clothes, and mixing and matching, and playing with makeup.
and then I very dutifully went to revise for biology and ma2104. this is my last time ever studying science for THE REST OF MY LIFE can you believe it? this is what we call "history in the making".
moment of silence please.

last night I had a really weird dream.
and it didn't make much sense, even to me, but in my dream I knew what was going on; I knew who you were meeting later on; and I knew what you weren't telling me and liars don't get to put their arms around my shoulders :) yes so i was a bitch and it was just a dream but i can be a dream bitch too can't I.

yesterday's auditions went okay, I think, I hope.
i took an old cargo lift up to the second level of the singapore repertory theatre centre and the lift was kinda scary-- like get-knocked-out-and-kidnapped-in kinda scary.
only kidding.
but it was still kinda scary.
and after this auspicious joyride, I was ushered into a room that had a "SINGAPORE REPERTORY THEATRE: YOUNG CO. AUDITIONS, ENTER HERE" sign on the door.
the panel comprised a lady with a blonde crop and twinkling blue eyes that matched her sari and poet-playwright-actor Michael Corbridge and a few of the existing members in the current Young Co., and though it was a little unnerving, auditioning in front of so many people, they were all perfectly lovely and very very nice.
so I did my first monologue from Walter Wyke's "Borrowed Parts" and they laughed at parts like "it's like guys all have parts, y'know, and if all the parts came together in one guy, it would be enough- but as it is, they got mixed up, got scrambled up somehow", which was encouraging.
then i did my second monologue, which was a self-written piece that had grabbed me by the collar and demanded "pick me!" a few days ago, when I had flipped open my diary. I'll admit it ran more like a poem than a monologue, really, but oh well, whatever goes, right?
thennnn it came to the singing section. so I sang On My Own from Les Miz (apparently most of the people there're musical buffs, too, hurrah, give me Broadway over Gossip Girl/Laguna Beach/The Hills anytime).
and it was scary but it was nice, too, in the way that performing gives you this russssshhh and I swear it's a kind of magic when everyone just falls silent and is perfectly still, just watching you; and if I had been wearing a clockwork watch, I bet the minute and the second hands would probably have dragged to a halt- because when you're performing in front of an audience, wishy washy concepts like Time and Self are stripped away and it isn't even you out there singing any more, it's someone else.

Michael Corbridge: "Do you take singing lessons?"
Me: "No...but I go over to my grandparents' a lot, and we sing Broadway songs together."
(everybody laughs)
Lady With The Twinkling Blue Eyes: "...So you guys jam together?"
Me: "yeah...they're really groovy."

the results'll reach me sometime this coming week, soooo.
fingers crossed, toes crossed.

and since I have been thrust into the Broadway mood, my iPod has been playing Miss Saigon and Evita and Les Miserables on repeat >> repeat >> repeat
not sick of them yet

because I'm a Broadway kinda girl.

Friday, September 26, 2008

hello, old friend. 6:32 AM

Baby is a bad boy with some retro sneakers
Let's go see The Killers and hang out under the bleachers
I like you a lot lot, think you're really hot hot
----

okay chemistry aside, the past two days have been livable.

yesterday after school, the Sexy Six (-2) went to venezia for gelato and gossip and we sat next to Nathan Hartono. :/ and didn't really realize it until we looked over and were all, like, "...oh look".
Qiu was cute she didn't really know which way to turn.

then I remembered that one of the x-boys'd once told me something about Nathan Hartono being a poseur/wannabe/try-too-hard/you-get-the-idea in school and stuff; but looking at the guy in real life, I found that pretty hard to believe. I probably know a lot of guys who're a lot more cocky and a lot more poseurific than he came across as being; and so the moral of the story is...jealousy's a biatch! so we shouldn't spread stuff about other people. especially if it's bad stuff. and, like, fake.

so todayyyy serene+janice+qiu+I went to BTP for a mid-exam-period tabloid overdose.
FUN. I've realized that years of reading tabloids have caused everything to swim around in my head and I can't remember anything specific; just vague things like "GET THE LOOK" and pictures of stuff that's probably gone out of fashion and headlines like "THIN AGAIN?!" and "HEARTBROKEN BRITNEY GOES ON MAD RAMPAGE-- FRIENDS AND FAMILY FEAR FOR HER LIFE".

anyway. the terrible three went for a haircut today!
I know like omg.
I'm usually scared stiff of getting my hair touched. When they cut my hair short three years ago, I cried; and when they permed my hair and made it all Shakira-ey I cried...but I am much more mature and grownup and responsible now yes and big girls don't cry, do they, Fergie?
sooo anyway. Qiu and I stored our bags in the cubbyholes in Attitude ("cara is this place your second home now?") (yes it is; and I'm sorry for ditching you and _____, Ryan! next next week, I promise. XOXOXO) and then went for a run.
then we went back to my house to shower and later I found out that Qiu didn't know how to use my showerhead so she had to stoop under the tap and shower HAHAHAHA that is hands-down the funniest thing I've heard.
I'd like to have seen that.
But then again maybe no.
But OMG Qiu you sad mongtart! you make me laff. ily <3

thennnn I booked an appointment for three at Clinique; and the terrible three went down to holland v for some gussy-time.
WHY DOES THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD WANT ME TO CUT MY HAIR INTO A BOB ARG.

"helloooo Cara. your mummy told me that I can do whatever I want with your hair. And she told me not to listen to you at all muahahahar."

...hairdressers are eeeevil, I tell you. ):

but.
I got my way.

derrick: "...as long as you don't cry."
cara: "okay, I promise."
derrick: (turns to rj and qiu) "did you know I've been cutting her hair since she was a baby? when she was a baby- i'd cut just a little bit and she'd cry. now that she's all grown up it hasn't changed."
cara: "okay I promise! I promise not to cry!"
rj: "cut it off! cut it all off!"
cara: (glares at derrick) "if you dare; I WILL cry and you will have to give me this haircut free."

everybody is preetee now. :D

two very pretty, very awesome people had a weird-sounding conversation today but they didn't mean it to turn out sounding like the way it turned out sounding.
(btw I don't know any of these two very pretty, very awesome people, though I'd love to)
they were talking about liking massages, and:
pretty awesome person 1: i like massages cuz, like...well, this is gonna sound wrong but I don't mean it to, but i like being touched.
pretty awesome person 2: i know what you mean! especially when they touch the right spot.

now everybody go O_O.

okay now.
so today has been a loverly day, but it's time to go and memorize my monologues for tomorrow's auditions, as well as revise mitosis and meiosis if I have time.

bye loves
xoxo

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

hello, old friend. 4:49 AM

cuz weekends are for the warriors;
----

... I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT SONG. <3

zmg why'm I online!
okay just this post then I swear I'll go finish up binomial theorem+series and vectors and inequalities and stats and the study of how people shape space and space shapes people.

My house makes RJ even weirder than she already is.
RJ: "can you pass me the pics from the terrible three's outing?"
me: "okay. I'll load it onto your thumbdrive?"
RJ: "okay."

then she scrabbles about for a bit in her pencilcase.
and pulls out a set of keys.
and hangs them to me.

it didn't register for a while.
so I just stared at the keys dangling from her hand, wondering how the hell I'm supposed to load pictures onto a set of keys, when I realize that she probably just handed me the wrong thing.
so I stare at her. and then stare at her keys.
and she stares at me, like, "what?" and then stares at her keys.
and i stare at her, and back at her keys again.
she does the same.
we repeat this for about four times until she finally realizes that she's handed me her housekeys instead of her thumbdrive.

silly bean your brain is mush. ):

on a happy note; the Terrible Three are back in action again.
It's gonna take more than a little drama to break our strong spastic sigma bonds.
ily you two mongtarts!

OKAY JUST ONE WEEK MORE AND THEN WE'RE FREE.
I can't take this GAH I just want to put my head down and bulldoze my way through all of the exams. Though I don't suppose that's the way to score very many As...so.

the worst/best thing about it is that we've already made so many planzzzz.
there're more but these are the few I can rattle off the top of my head (if only chemistry could seep into my brain cells as well as my post-exam plans can):
1. flea fly flo fun
2. hotel vodka
3. seventeen superstylin'
4. singapore repertory theatre auditions
5. dance workshops @ the esplanade
6. long overdue wild wild wet outing with the Clique
7. mamma mia (?) with deb+manda+josh, in full ABBA getup (unless they've already watched it without me ): )
8. disney movie marathon/friends marathon/sisterhood of the travelling pants 2 with the Clique
9. partying with tisha :)
10. partying with ting and max :)
11. party prep/logistics with deb and manda :)

of course it won't be all fun and games.
I will also indulge in intellectual and mentally-stimulating activities like writing cliched fanfic on Hidden Realms and reading "the economics of underpants" by Jon Bennett and watching lots more Oprah.

I'm sure there's more but you see chemistry + ma2103+ geog + bio + ma2104 are filling up the other % of my noddle.
come tuesday it'll all come back to me, I'm sure.

but for now; I'm gonna put my head/hand/mind to the mill/loom/grindstone (? I've forgotten how the saying goes).

okaaaaaay, soo. Ass Week.

bring it.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

hello, old friend. 3:43 AM

hello world,
I'm alive and staring you straight in the eye.

I have realized that the strangest people can be our saviours.

This post is supposed to be an appreciation post to all the people- good, bad, otherwise- who have somehow touched my life.
You might appear once, or twice, or not at all.
So. Deep breath.
Here goes.
--------------

1) You are wonderful.
I'll never get too old to stop sneaking into your bedroom at night and sitting on your bed and thinking "this feels like home".
I love you.

2) We are a Broadway musical unto ourselves.
I have the coolest grandparents ever. Period.

3) We've drifted and we've changed but I love how the distance heals itself once we get back together.

4) Bet you didn't know that song was for you.

5) I know I push you away sometimes.
But you're far more beautiful than you give yourself credit for; far stronger, far wiser.
Don't you see it? Don't you see it?

6) You. were a wonderful distraction.
But see- rearranged, the ghetto beats could never spell l-o-v-e
and I think we both knew it.

7) I've never forgotten you, green eyes.
Sleep soundly. I miss you.

8) We slayed dragons and wielded legendary swords and shared smouldering love triangles and had the awesomest powers and battled shoulder to shoulder and I still keep the stories in my drawer. Back then we were so invincible.

9) If you'd asked me two years ago, the only thing I'd have known about you would have been your name.
You're lovelier than you realize.
I hope you know that.

10) I may have loved you once, long ago, but I am happy with what we have today.
You actually listen to me and to be honest that's pretty impressive.
You lost your chance three years back but I love you in a different way now
think garden swings and nonchalance and digital analog 2AMs.

11) If she's the one I've heard about- well, I'm not impressed at all.

12) You told me pretty nothings and gave me pretty things and brought me to pretty places.
But it was so surreal and you were so selfish and I'm glad I said no.
Keep your lyrics. Keep your watered-down alcohol.
I know what I deserve and yes love I'd walk away again.

13) you think nobody understands you but baby, I've always been here.
keep that smile you're like bottled sunshine.
keep your faith- we'll make this work.

14) You were always the girl next door,
the best friend but never the girlfriend,
the lover but seldom the loved
oh but precious you deserve so much more
I've never known anyone else like you before.

15) You think you know me but sugar I know better.
It's not my fault the stories I heard scared me away.

16) I didn't tell you so but I liked your _ _ _ more than I liked you.

17) I have tossed all of your gifts to the back of my cupboard.
when the economy starts recovering I'll sell them on ebay.

18) You don't belong in this strange land, poppet.
Go back, go back.
They're waiting for you back home.

19) come back around here and my friends'll rearrange your face.

20) The ports are calling, blue-eyed sailor.
When're you gonna sail on home?
I've got that teddybear and that white lace dress, oh
we'll hide in old ferries and be our own '20s movie.

21) because they don't know you like I do, love.
they don't know what you've been through but I do, love.
you are soft shining resonance so please glow like I want you to, love.
don't be afraid to let your real beauty shine through, love.

22) you can starve but you'll never starve away your malice, doll,
you've become so paperthin I can see right through you.

23) you think I've forgotten you but you've changed me, sweetheart.
your name spelt backwards reads words like declaration strength faith independence
the first boy hurt you and I know (deep inside) you still grieve
but there's a boy who's healing you now
and I'm glad.

24) sometimes it scares me
the way you get so two-dimensional
sometimes I look at you and wonder
are you real?
are you real?
are you real?

25) you're gonna make someone a really good husband one day.
love will find you.
you'll see.

26) the feelings, they come softly and I didn't hear them coming
i won't let this become something but i kinda like kinda liking you.

27) we were golden once.

the names and the people (and I will never tell you who, but)
some of them loved me
some of them left me
some smiled for the camera and then turned to dust in my hands
but the bottom line is: all of you have made my life what it is today.
and so tonight all my words go out to you.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

hello, old friend. 6:34 AM

A shipwreck, a castaway
Coast to coast the high seas echo: 'It's not you it's me'
If the wind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs
I could drive the boat, if the wind were down
----

study/coffee @ coffeebean today with RJ.
you make fun of me a lot and sometimes I wonder if you would have a better impression of me if we had never been friends
but what it boils down to is that we always have a great time together.
love you spastic 1/3 yessss i'm being mushy mushy so whatcha gonna do about it?

so.
today
has been one of those days.

1) believe me.
i have tried to write you out of my bones
oh, believe me. i have tried.
and yet i the wretched seamstress weave the same thread through the loom
(again. again. again.)
wounds heal but words pick apart the stitches.

2) dear anon- i don't know what you want from me, but please leave me alone?
I don't need any more drama in my life right now.

3) thank God I'm a thespian
it was painful but it was neccessary
and melodramatics get you through anything
we lifted our eyes and they lowered theirs.

4) because even sworn sisters can drift away
and you've got one foot in your boat, we fear--

5) because you make me happy.
and not a lot of guys can do that.
so that makes you special.

6) why does it always ( )
because I'm sick of being the ( )
and I can't believe I ( )
you all think that I ( )
but the truth is ( )
the truth is ( )
the truth is ( )....

on the bright side,
tomorrow will be better.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:05 AM

timing
is being such a bitch right now.

side note:
why is
everyone being heartbroken?

hearts are fragile don't play games
ha and i'm one to talk.

dear girl-whose-internet-journal-i-chanced-upon:
i hope to God that you read this but even if you never do,
know that it never really goes away but it does get better
and you don't need the clubs and wild nights and the boys to validate you.
you are not alone.
and he will not be the last.

---sekrits part II-----

so here's to all the internet-journal-girls and boys.
hang tight kiddos; it's a rollercoaster and we're not strapped in.

XOXO,
C.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

hello, old friend. 8:00 AM

away, away;
when the search party's here we'll be out on california's coast;
----

Ass. Week is coming and I am going to die and I will probably start writing out my will soon, so...
be nice to me and you will get perks.

today I finally got some alone time with Princess Qiu. :D
We ran to CCAB and then took the Cluny route to town. J'adore the Cluny route- and the Dalvey route, for that matter- looking at ginormous palace-sized houses with princess parapets and reservoirs for pools makes the time go by really fast.
We ran to town and then had diet coke and redbull lite (which is pretty disgusting ftr, but then again what can you expect from 3kcal of carbonated caffeine?) and then held hands like little girls and walked around the place.

I love Borderzzzz.
We went in and then the first thing we saw was this mega book rack with disney princess mix&match books! my-little-pony sticker books! barbie becomes a photographer! lavender fairy makes a wish! and we were like OHHHHHH. :D :D :D
is going to go back there and get the my-little-pony sticker book.

then we saw this negro guy in Borders who was, like, Yao Ming tall; no, no kidding.
He was a TITAN. and he had no hair and he had basketball shoes and baggy basketball pants and a big red basketball jersey and his head was waaaaay above ours and Qiu and I were like whoaaaa.

then.
he walked over to the Stephanie Meyer section...
...and picked up Twilight, New Moon, and Eclipse.
and walked to the cashier and took out his wallet.

I almost burst out laughing- OMG it was so awesome!- some giant negro guy with a penchant for Edward Cullen buying three of Stephanie Meyer's books (and with the oh-yeah-i-read-teenage-vampire-romance-books-everyday expression on his face)...even the cashier was hiding a smile.
I kinda wanted to turn around and go, "oh, so you're a fan too?" but he was kinda big and so it was kinda scary.

found the postsecret book in the art section; and Qiu and I spent the next half hour sitting next to Audrey Hepburn: A Photographic Memoir and two guys reading about pop culture photography and we read secrets upon secrets upon secrets and some of them were funny some were insane some were plain weird and some were so, so sad.

k this is an appreciation to all the wonderful friends I've realized that I have.
you guys are rainbows and sunbeams and lemondrops and you make this world a joy to be in.
love you. love you. love you. love you.

and love you mummy, happy birthday.
long live the fairy queen and princess.

-----secrets------

everyone has a secret.

what's yours?

Friday, September 5, 2008

hello, old friend. 2:13 AM

sink into the bay, they'll be under the rocks again
and you don't have to say it cuz i know you're afraid;
-----

hullo loves.

has just received a lovely long letter from Anariel the Ranger (HA eat my RP references, n00bs!) and is now sitting in front of the mac next to my disney princess teacup composing a letter in reply to Elemmire, Brandin, Luthien, Lady Greenleaf, Maralyn, Mindtraveller, Yavanna Kementari, Aliana the Healer and Lady Silvan etc etc
and if you've no idea what I'm rambling on about then you're obviously not down with Tolkien and the Peter Jackson crowd and all that.

lately the weather has been my type of weather.
i don't know why people seem to think that the weather is a boring topic
it's not.
i for one could take the word "weather" and bottle it up in an old jam jar
and never get tired of shaking it gently and seeing the pixie dust singing as it falls in words and phrases like "cloudy morning" and "gentle rain" and "thunderstorm" and "tornado tornado you must evacuate now".

dear anonymous
i don't know what you have against me
but i think the people have spoken, so... here's to hoping you'll find whatever you're looking for.
i hope you find it soon.

and thank you and much love to the friends and the lovers
you know who you are.

I slept over at the cuzzies' yesterday and it was so fun.
the fabulous fan-friggin-tastic five! we got home at, like, eleven and then had a blowout pillowfight until past midnight and canoeist-canoeist pillowfights are fun but not very easy to win.

recently i have been listening to the dandy warhols >> on repeat:
their words sing heady smoke and mirrors and listening to them I feel like I am climbing into a big black hole of Void-ism and pulling the covers in over my head
and then in the new darkness i see things like neon epitaphs and lime green elephants like in the pooh movie and pink things with no eyes and big smiles that spring up in your face and scream HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM and cry because it's too dark for you to see but their hearts are loud and lonely

...yeah.

anyway so school's starting in a few days and always and ever the ominous toll of Ass Week hangs over everyone's heads
but i've got friends and i've got faith and a rockin' GC
so we'll pull through and will be singing cheesy songs like We Are The Champions a while down from now.

xoxo,

you know who.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

hello, old friend. 11:30 PM

has been: browsing through old pages of old/new diaries and bits of paper I stuffed into journals but never really meant to keep.

this is an intrinsically private post patched together with bits and pieces of what I was/have been/am/should have been(?)
so if you don't feel that you're up to it
then don't read it in the first place.
you never know- i might be talking about you.
and you never know- i might not have mentioned you at all.
and you'll never know- i might have made it all up so you could have a good read and so I could have a good laugh.

-----

I.
so tired I feel like I'm on meds
crawl into bed and pull the silence in after me
pretty pretty you have such sad eyes
if I am not making sense
you should know I am drunk on loneliness and you
are not you should thank your lucky stars

II.
i saw my icelandic prince again today
arrogant glaciered features nordic guise
not a chance between us and yet I
move around him with magicked eyes

III.
funny how it hasn't hurt, all this while
so maybe I disagree with dr. carlisle cullen
a clean break doesn't heal easily. (and I of all people should know)
drag it out and do it gently and slowly and you'll
hardly realize you're drifting apart
and by the time you do, your continents will already be far, far apart,
and the seawater will be sloshing around your ankles

IV.
hate you
never want to talk to you again
don't even bother trying
take your sullen snivelling face to someone else's scrapyard
come round here
and i'll slam the door in your face

hate you no. two
if we can't be friends then we sure as hell can't be lovers
you're dirt ugly inside outside with no saving grace
take your little twisted stories and your bad poetry
find some other girl to back up against the wall

both of you are dirt under my shoe
don't talk
i won't listen.

V.
salvation or spells crosses or stakes
and always i am torn
why the lure of magick, dark eyes? will you never
stop treading the dust-grey threshold
will you never
learn?

there is a darkness in me
and always i am fighting.

VI.
the next time you talk to me
the next time you try to
psycho-analyze demoralize t-t-terrorize me
i'll be waiting.
oh, i'll be ready.

you've been great inspiration for bad poetry
but that's all you've been good for
i'll get famous off our tabloid tragedy
I'll earn a million and then a little more.

VII.
sing me something electric
set me ablaze and let me dance let me burn
make me scream make me laugh
oh, lead me a merry dance
I will follow (I assure you), and gladly

i would do anything to feel alive.
make me.
make me feel.
make me feel alive.

------

if i work up the nerve i'll put in a little more.
this is spelt c-a-t-h-a-r-s-i-s and an easier way of saying it is that this is therapy for me because i've been a thousand different people and this is my way of letting a few of them have a name.