Wednesday, November 5, 2008
hello, old friend.
4:00 AM
Long Rambly Self Exploratory Post Ahead.
You were warned!
It's scary how fast gossip travels.
... Apparently it travels across oceans, too; but the thing is you can say what you will but I'm going to live how I want to and I think I'm entitled to that.
The way I see it; love me or hate me- either way, I'll be on your mind.
Oh and yesterday I was at the library and I borrowed lots of books like Isolde Of The White Hands and Valiant and a book about Indigo Children that I found in the psychology section. I found it interesting, read a section of the introduction out to my mum, and she got a funny look on her face and the first thing she asked was,
"...Cara, are you an Indigo Child?"
She mentioned it to my dad and he frowned and said "...New Age" like it was some kind of blasphemous swear-word and my mum nodded and echoed "...new age" and both of them got the Don't-Peruse-This-Or-It'll-Escalate-Into-Something-Bad look on their faces and I knew better than to keep talking about it.
I hate it, though.
My Christian life and my inclination towards the New Age and I face this conflict, again and again.
You see it's not a matter of a "flirtation with the esoteric". I've been through enough to know this isn't a flirtation, there's far more to it than that, and always I am drawn back to what feels like my roots.
I've always been into magick- even as a little girl.
I remember going up into the attics of old houses to make new imaginary friends and I had imaginary pets that followed me everywhere
and I remember I would talk to plants because I figured nobody talked to them much so they'd be lonely
and I remember going out into the garden and staunchly believing that fairies lived in the large shrub-tree at the end of it, and leaving little flowers with water in their centres out at night for the fairies to drink from.
...Maybe the spirit world was always a little more open to me, too.
I remember looking up into the sky one day and seeing (this is going to sound kinda stupid but) my deceased great grandma in the clouds. It wasn't just one of those blurry cloud images that you can get from looking at any old cloud; this one was different. It WAS her. I must've been about seven at the time and I remember telling my parents very excitedly and they got all excited too and from then on I always looked up into the sky, when I remembered, but I never again saw her the way I had; so clearly and so distinctly.
I also remember one night, recently after we'd just moved into our new home- we hadn't gotten it house-blessed yet. I remember waking up in the middle of the night with the sensation that something was really, really wrong; and then I glanced around my room and saw a little black figure sitting astride the life-sized toy horse I had back then.
You can chalk it up to vivid imagination but I know what I saw and what I saw terrified me. I couldn't even get out of bed or yell for "mummy! daddy!"- it was awful and all I was capable of doing was pulling the sheets up to my nose and whimpering and praying that the horrible black figure would go away.
But it didn't.
I remember looking up from under the sheets, every now and then, praying and praying that the ghastly silhouette would disappear and that I could blame an overexcitable imagination; but the figure stayed there and I was so afraid that it felt like something was bolting my limbs to the bed.
Eventually I couldn't take it any more- closed my eyes and bolted, half-blind, out of my room, away from the horrible black figure in the corner and into my parents' room where I burst into hysterical tears.
We got the house house-blessed two days after, and the figure never re-appeared again.
And it's not just that
even now I see things and feel things and (occasionally) hear things that I don't think normal people see/feel/hear
call it psychic or emotionally sensitive or plain looney
help i'm a weirdo!
yes i have realized.
... Whoa okay this is turning out to be quite the stroll down Memory Lane.
If you've managed to make it to this point-- congratulations. And thanks. You've accomplished quite a feat.
I don't normally tell people all this stuff personally because usually, after my long heartfelt confession, there's this moment of silence and then they look at me and are all, "...dude. you're weird."
and I'm like, "gee. yeah totally the response I was looking for. thanks."
AND it's pretty ironic because after all this is the Internet! and by typing this megabyte-guzzling paragraph of pretty irrelevant stuff, the whole world's gonna have free access to this,
but somehow it's easier to catharsyse (is there such a word? if there isn't then i just made a new one and it's mine, copyright cara) online than it is to look someone in the eye and tell them all of this.
So yeah.
I guess it's just something I've gotta live with. Maybe this is all part of Growing Up and Finding Myself and whatever the teenage psychology books say. Maybe this is all just a Phase.
Maybe I'm just a Self Indulgent Teenager with a Tendency To Over-Analyze who needs to Get A Grip.
But seriously.
"Christianity versus New Age", blasts the headlines, like the deafening Muay Thai announcements I hear lots of in Thailand, on holidays.
"Face-off! Showdown! Christianity versus New Age!"
Can't I do away with the "versus" and put in an "and" or something? Isn't it possible to draw some sort of harmony between both?
I believe there is and I'm going to keep trying, dark eyes, I'm going to keep trying.
...So yeah.
More next time, and I promise next time I'll be a lot more coherent.
Watch this space!
