i miss the way we were supposed to be.
before distance and time got in the way and screwed us over.
before they left us with felt tip marker "xx"s for assurance it was real and little blue online pop-up men for friends.
i hate the way
no, not the way- the truth, the fact, the reality that it's 2009 and I'm supposed to be moving on
but i'm not.
everyone's out there doing beautiful things
but i'm sitting in the dirt and digging with broken fingers
because X marks the spot but Time's a pirate and he got the diamonds a long time ago
this isn't how the story should go.
they say that when you find people you love you should hold onto them and never let them go
but the sky had a claim on you
and we couldn't fight the big silver bird with metal wings.
it rained that day and i wondered if you were crying from your plane windows...
-----
DEAR GOD:
please put me on a plane and fly me to Birmingham!
I don't care if it's on Tiger Airways/Jet Star and I have to ride a budget plane for 12 hours with a baby yelling in the row behind me and if I don't even get to choose between chicken or fish
I'd parachute there if I had to
but they don't do budget flights to England
and I don't know where to get parachutes.
on the bright side:
1) webcammed with tall joe last night.
The 'rents took an impromptu getaway to Saigon so I pretty much had the run of the house (and the otherwise password-locked laptop) so I stayed up till 4AM doing...yeah well I can't remember exactly what I was doing but anyway.
He wore his IGGY cap and I scrounged around for my big oversized Jack Sparrow one from Disney World and wore that.
"that is officially the coolest hat in the world!!!"
2) I tested out my calling card today and dialled to Tamworth (IT WORKED!)
me: "HI OMG IT WORKS"
me: "...."
me: "omg I forgot about time differences!!"
me: "what time is it there?"
joe: "...uh. 4AM."
...sorry. :/
Flashback: weird memories of me sitting on a snow-covered bench in Breckenridge, holding the phone to my ear and hearing the voice of someone half a planet away even though they sounded so close; like they were just next to me
...yeah. deja vu, much?
only this time I had a little trouble deciphering the British accent because I've been out of touch for...a month
my gosh
...today, one month ago, iggy started and i remember lugging in my fantastically gargantuan luggage bag and flashing a tentative half-smile to the strangers in the canteen and how none of them returned it and all of them just stared and i ended up rushing to my dorm room and doing a frantic self-inventory in the mirror to see if i was still human or if maybe i had something green and leafy growing out of my head
but how in the end we ended up becoming just like family. one big default, loving, wonderful, unforgettable family
...oops. going offtrack.
so back to the topic: talked about how wrong it is for someone (*pointed look*) to make so much sense in the morning and about bad days and phone static and tana and saine and GOSH this is so unfair
God only knows how many times I've picked up my phone on reflex and tried to search for "toni jackson" or "joe" or "konyin" or "jag" or "insert iggyian's name here..." under my address book to send them a text.
which is why Lisa and I always end up bombarding each other with IGGY-related text messages. everyone else has flown away so now all we've got is each other. okay so maybe this is just me. maybe she's moving on but I guess I'm not doing such a great job of it.
the other day I sat on my bedroom floor and pulled out my pink iggy file
(which i hadn't opened till then. hadn't dared to, because memories gather like dust) and
slipped out the blue mask and the red mask i'd kept from gala night.
(upon seeing joe in his red mask: "...you're my personal zorro for the night!"
"i get the blue one! i get the blue one!" and me dancing around the table and rearranging all the masks so i could get the blue one so it would go with my dress
lydia complaining that hers clashed awfully with her outfit and toni grinning in her golden one)
cue: a perfect storm of tears
mum found me half an hour later curled up in my blankets on the floor and listening to lovedrug:
"so fall in love while you can still hold your head up high
and pretend that you're alive again
it's friends that leave you here in the end, so hold your head up high
and pretend that you're alive again."
...okay sorry i do realize that i am unattractively wallowing in stale self pity.
but it's my blog anyway so who gives a damn, right?
but honestly
how'm i supposed to start a new year when half of me's in some suitcase in some hallway at the other side of the world?
okay is currently: dialling old numbers to hear old voices
because the murky-looking glasses they handed you didn't stop the static and sleep doesn't come easy when you don't belong on this side of the world. in this timezone.
anything to feel sane again, right?
i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you
and tonight i need you more than ever.
